Parenting is hard work. As a mum of three girls, I know all too well how challenging it can be to juggle parenting strategies that balance loving but firm boundaries. Sometimes, it feels like you’re walking a tightrope, trying to be the warm, nurturing parent while also making sure your kids understand the rules. And I’ll be the first to admit, as a bit of a procrastinator myself, I can find it easy to let things slide, but that doesn’t help anyone in the long run, especially when it comes to parenting.
I recently saw a video by Dr. Daniel Amen, an expert in ADHD and brain health, where he talked about how important it is to set boundaries with your kids. He said something that really stuck with me: “It’s okay to have boundaries.” I know, sometimes it feels awkward at first, especially when they push back, but boundaries are essential, not just for us as parents, but for them as kids too. So, let’s take a look at some parenting strategies for loving but firm boundaries, that can make all the difference in creating a balanced home life.
1. Anticipate Pushback and Prepare Yourself
We’ve all been there… our kids push against the limits we’ve set. But here’s the thing, it’s totally normal. Kids are learning how to navigate the world, and testing boundaries is part of the process. Dr. Amen suggests anticipating these moments and preparing for them.
I know it’s not always easy, but when I pause and think about the potential consequences, what’s called second-order thinking, I feel more in control. Second-order thinking is the idea of considering not just the immediate outcome but also the longer-term effects of a decision. For example, when my kids ask for ‘just five more minutes’ on the iPad, I can predict that giving in might lead to more screen time battles. This is especially true with gadgets. If I allow extra time now, it might set a precedent for constant requests and make it harder to manage their tech use in the future. By using second-order thinking, I can see the bigger picture and make decisions that promote healthy boundaries around technology.
2. Practice Saying ‘No’
For some reason, saying ‘no’ can feel like such a heavy word as a parent. I don’t want to disappoint my girls, and I definitely don’t want to deal with a meltdown (who does?). But here’s the thing…saying ‘no’ is one of the most loving things we can do. When I set clear boundaries and say ‘no,’ I’m helping my daughters understand limits and respect.
Dr. Amen recommends writing out your ‘no’s in a journal. It might sound a little odd, but trust me, it works! I’ve written down what I want to say, especially in those moments where I know a ‘no’ is coming, and it makes it easier to stay firm and kind.
3. Be Clear About Why You’re Setting the Boundaries
Here’s where I often find myself tripping up. I’ll say ‘no,’ but then forget to explain why. Kids need to understand the reason behind your decisions. It’s not about being harsh, it’s about helping them understand the bigger picture.
For example, I might say, “We can’t have dessert until you finish your dinner because eating healthy food gives you energy to play.” Simple and to the point, but clear. Explaining the reason behind the boundary helps my girls understand that it’s not a punishment, it’s a lesson. And let’s be honest, kids will do just about anything to get some sweets, so I always make sure they know it’s a treat and worth the wait!
4. Be Firm and Stay Committed
Now, here comes the tough part: being firm. I’ll be honest, it’s something I’ve had to work on, and I still struggle with it. Being a loving parent is important, but I’ve learned that without firm boundaries, they lose their strength. Dr. Amen says, “If you don’t remain consistent, your boundaries won’t have the power they need.”
This one’s been a learning curve for me. Sometimes, I want to back down when the whining starts. But I’ve realised that sticking to my boundaries helps my girls grow up with structure, knowing what’s expected of them.
5. Be Even Firmer When Necessary
As hard as it is to stay firm, sometimes it’s even harder when your kids keep pushing. And that’s okay! It doesn’t mean you’re being a bad parent—it means you’re teaching them to respect the limits you set.
When things get really tough, remind yourself that it’s all part of their learning process. And that sometimes you need to be even firmer, but that’s in their best interest in the long run.
6. Seek Support When Needed
Sometimes parenting feels like a never-ending battle. If you find yourself feeling stuck, don’t be afraid to seek support. There’s no shame in reaching out for advice or guidance. Whether it’s a friend, a parenting expert, or even a professional, asking for help shows strength, not weakness.
The Power of Loving but Firm Boundaries
It’s all about finding that balance, right? That happy medium. As a mum I’ve learned that love and firmness aren’t mutually exclusive—they go hand in hand. The boundaries I set now will help my daughters understand the world around them, grow emotionally, and respect themselves and others. Dr. Amen’s message really hit home for me: “No one owns you.” As a parent, it’s my job to make sure my girls learn to respect themselves and others by showing them the power of boundaries.
With these strategies in place, I’ve found that parenting with loving but firm boundaries isn’t just possible—it’s absolutely essential. And I believe that by setting these boundaries early, we help our kids build the skills they need to thrive as they grow older. So, let’s embrace the challenge, stay consistent, and watch our kids develop into strong, respectful individuals.
If you’re looking for more ways to support your child’s emotional growth and help them build resilience, check out the M.Y.T.E. programmes. Our toolkit is designed to empower children and teens to understand their emotions, build self-awareness, and develop the tools they need to navigate life with confidence. Visit our website here to learn more.